that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
