Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
