fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
