a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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