And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
