She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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