Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
