you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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