My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
