The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
