I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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