drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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