i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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