I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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