theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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