You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
