They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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