Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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