i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
