I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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