Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We left an ass print on the piano.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
50% drunk capacity currently
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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