I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
