Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
