you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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