peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He better not be in your backpack
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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