god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
