My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I believe in your delicious
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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