well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
