So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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