direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I deserve this hangover.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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