Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
