I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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