Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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