i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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