no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
