he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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