wakey wakey hands off snakey
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
