he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
