Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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