That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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