i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
