I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
