guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
