Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This is my gift to your gina
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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