woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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