You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
