I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
