in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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