he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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