She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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