I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
