What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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