why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
