There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
