I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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