I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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