I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
