Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
ttyl tear gas
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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